Bring in the New

I am so glad that Christmas is over. I know that it's the "most wonderful time of the year" and all that, but...I almost had a full-blown panic attack the first time I heard Christmas music on the PA at Wal-Mart. (The day after HALLOWEEN). I am easily overwhelmed by the hype, expectation, and frantic pace that has become associated with the holiday celebrating the quiet birth of our Savior.

I did enjoy my children's growing awareness of the true meaning of the season. We talked often of God's love for us and sending His son to earth as a baby to someday die for our sins. I also absorbed every second of the magic of Santa, and loved to see things through their eyes.

One night, as is our family's tradition, we rode around in our pajamas and looked at Christmas lights. There is a really spectacularly tacky one about 20 miles from here that we visit every year. When we passed a huge nativity display with a spotlight, Fat Baby surprised us by singing in his booming toddler voice, "Away in a Manger, no crib for a bed, the wittle Word Jesus lay down his sweet head..."
I didn't even know he knew the whole song! Those were the blessings of the season.

I enjoyed Christmas shopping and lunch out with my dad every Friday. (To be replaced in the new year with just lunch out!)

I bought a pre-lit Christmas tree last year, and it is just right. I love the way it looked, and made the room so cozy. The ornaments I collect each year tell our family's story. And I love that.

So, while I often felt like a total Scrooge, it was a great Christmas with many blessings. We were all healthy and happy, and got to see all our family.

In the new year, I have resolved to concentrate on living by the fruits of the spirit. They are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23). I'm working with the boys on this, too.

Since things have slowed down, I have made it a point to take time to enjoy my boys while they are still "little boys." Of course, Fat Baby always has something to make me laugh (or cry, often both at the same time).

During breakfast one morning, he had MAN GAS. I mean, I could not believe this big poot came out of his little body. Of course, he and The President found it hysterically funny. When I composed myself enough to remind him to say, "Excuse me," Fat Baby told me, "that was my bubble poop."

And yesterday morning when he came to snuggle with me in my bed, he slipped as he was trying to climb in. He said, "Oh, I dropped me!"

Remember to take joy in the small things in this new year!

Breaking News from Potty-Gate

Due to various insanity and over-scheduling, I was unable to do my grocery shopping on Saturday as I have been. Therefore, when my children asked for scrambled eggs Monday morning, there were no eggs. Cereal? No milk. Pop-tarts? Uh-uh. So....I was forced to forage for food with my two "assistants." We had several errands to run, went to lunch, and hit Wal-Mart and the grocery store. Since I'm neither an idiot nor a glutton for punishment, I made the Executive Decision to put Fat Baby in a pull-up (actually a Good Nights, because he out-weighs the pull-ups now!) Anyway...as soon as we got home, I took him to the potty and resumed his underwear wardrobe. Which was fine for the rest of the afternoon.

UNTIL...I was in the middle of cooking dinner. As my menu plan post states, I was planning to fry okra for my sweet daddy. (He doesn't ask for much). So, I have roast in the oven, potatoes boiling to be mashed, peas cooking, and my electric skillet (a kitchen essential) filled with hot oil awaiting the lightly breaded fresh okra.

At that moment... (Pop had helped me around the house all day & had just settled in for his retirement-earned daily nap)At that exact moment, when My Baby's Daddy was probably 45 minutes from arriving home...when I was the only available adult...Fat Baby rounded the corner with his underwear inside-out in his hand. FULL. OF. POOP!!!! Poop was spread all over his arms & legs from the process of his removing the offensive underwear. And where was he when he decided to remove his poopy pants? The TOP BUNK!

I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. But, as Moms (who have no choice) do, I cleaned the mess, scrubbed myself as if I were going to perform surgery, and resumed cooking dinner.

Yesterday, he went to preschool (in underwear---how else is he going to learn?) and he stayed clean ALL DAY LONG! Hooray! Even with going out for The President's baseball team party, he was dry until bedtime. We might have turned a corner...but seriously, I deserved it.

Thoughts Before Naptime

I am only half-functional today, so read at your own risk. The boys & I spent the day at an amusement/ water park yesterday. It was so much fun, but I am exhausted beyond belief. Here are some random thoughts for your entertainment:

1. Should I become independently wealthy, one of the first things I am going to do is to hire a full-time nanny/personal assistant. I took our regular babysitter with us to "funland" yesterday & got a taste of how the other half lives. How much more could I enjoy my kids with some full-time help? And, it wasn't just having someone around to do the grunt work, it's little things like passing out snacks (that I usually do while I drive) that made life so much easier. I could easily see the job transitioning into someone to be my helper when the kids no longer needed hands-on care. (I'm talking about this like it's actually going to happen...)

2. If you saw me at the Wal-Marts a while ago, let me apologize if I frightened you. I know I look rough today, but it's Wal-Mart, okay?

3. While we were out, we needed to grab some lunch. The President wanted to have Chinese. When he has eaten Chinese, it has almost always been a buffet where he could try little bits & pieces of different things. I didn't know what he might order from the nearby menu-order only place, so I was describing things he might like. I said, "You would probably like sweet & sour chicken. It's fried chicken that you dip into a red sauce, kind of like chicken nuggets." He said, "Mom, I can't order American at a Chinese place...that would be disrespecting their flag." Well, duh, why didn't I think of that? We went to McDonald's because a) Fat Baby didn't want Chinese b)it's in the Wal-Mart, and c)I was ready to come home & be slovenly.

4. Potty-gate is still going strong. Fat Baby is very soon going to be four. years. old. He's not so much into the big boys go potty thing. At all. I am now potty trained--I go every 30 minutes and force him to tinkle. (Which he will do, but it has to be my idea). He has never(!) initiated a trip to the potty. Seriously. This is getting old. He is wearing underwear every day, and it is a constant battle to keep him dry. Lately, the pull-up he wears to sleep has been leaking. Big time. Not fun when said 4-year-old happens to be in your bed at the time. It was just what his diapers would do each time I had to move up to the next size. Luckily, there are Good Nights that go up to 65 pounds, because that's what he's going to be wearing tonight. And during the day, I'll just wash underpants until the cows come home and until he figures out how this all works. (Disclaimer: I did have a child who was completely potty trained with no accidents two weeks after his 3rd birthday, so this is not all my fault!) Fun times!

Just a reminder...

...of why being a Mom is the greatest job ever. The boys & I are lying across my bed, making a "President sandwich" (as he is the one being squished in the middle). Fat Baby puts his chubby little arms around both of us & covers us with sloppy kisses. After that it was an all-out smooch fest, which (as it always does with boys) led to a wrestling match. As we alternately grabbed, poked, and smooched each other, Fat Baby said, "You guys are the best buddy evers!"

Summer Fun with Fat Baby

I've been really making an effort to enjoy this summer with my boys. Last year was a blur, with one family crisis after another. Now things are moving along quite smoothly, and I'm much more able to consistently spend time with the boys. Our church has summer field trips for the children on Wednesdays, so we spent the day at Pump It Up today. (In case you aren't lucky enough to have a Pump It Up in your area...think big empty room full of inflatable jumpy things, obstacle courses, etc. with plenty of staff to supervise. Fabulous.) Since I am the coolest mom ever, I was all up in the bouncy house, and loved the rush of the giant slide. I think times like this are what make great memories for me & for them. I've been concentrating on just slowing down & living in the moment with them. (I'll go back & re-read this post when I'm online researching boarding schools for Fat Baby for K-4!)

While I'm making notes of my infinite blessings, I have to take a few minutes to also record some of my favorite summer Fat Baby moments. His personality is really emerging (the toddler version of Jim Belushi?) and he is always making me laugh...when he is not making me curse or drink.

While we were on the beach a couple of weeks ago, he walked up to a recently vacated beach chair in the middle of a girls' beach trip and proceeded to make himself the center of their universe. Since they were all moms, they completely understood. He was a hit--especially when he declared, "I like boobies!"

Also at the beach, he dipped his toe into the edge of the hot tub where I was sitting. He said, "Ouch! That's too hot!" And then he started blowing the hot tub to cool it off.

He has a very unique way of expressing himself...besides the fact that he has a big, booming voice. I am often asked, "Mom, who dat wittle guy is?" instead of "Who's that little guy?" He also says, "Can I will..." For example, "Can I will go outside?" or "Can I will have a cookie?" I love that one. The remote control is called the r-mote (pronounced are-moat), and he holds up the number three with his index finger, middle finger, and pinky. (Most people hold up index, middle, and ring finger). Oh, and a zebra---it's a BREEZA around here!

I love being a boys' mom...

Because this afternoon, I was pelted in the back of the head while driving home from school with four stinky little socks. Just like their Southern Fried Mom, my boys love to get out of their shoes first thing.

Then, of course, they start with the foot-sniffing. They smell their own, they smell each-other's. If we were at home, they'd be smelling mine. (Please tell me that mine are not the only kids who do this!)

The President made the unlikely announcement that, "Fat Baby's feet smell like Cheez-Its!!!!"

Later, just after dinner, they began to antagonize and aggravate each other. Fat Baby began to whine/cry, and My Baby's Daddy gave him Man Advice. "You're as big as he is...go kick his butt!" (Thanks, MBD, for when I get the notes home from preschool that Fat Baby is threatening to kick people's butts!)

Fat Baby ran through the house like a tazmanian devil, chasing his evil big brother. Pop, unaware of all of this says, "Hey, Fat Baby...where are you going in such a hurry?"

His reply, "I've got to go kick that butt!!!"

What Not To Wear

The Big Week Of Fun is over. Spring Break festivities came to a screeching halt as both boys returned to school today. Woohoo. Too bad I spent the whole everloving day in a doctor's office with Pop. Seriously. The appointment should have taken an hour, hour and a half tops---FOUR AND A FREAKING HALF HOURS! I dropped Fat Baby at school, went straight there and returned home to drop off Pop twenty minutes before I was due back at the preschool. It's going to be all about me on Friday.

The wedding we attended was lovely. It was an outdoor event (very bold move this time of year, especially seeing how tornadoes ripped through the ATL just one week prior) and the weather was perfect. I was totally comfortable in a sleeveless dress with no hose. (I've been tanning for a month and a half).

I did mention that I found the perfect Southern Fried Family outfits for the day. What I don't remember telling you is that I purchased a "back-up" outfit, so I would have two to choose from. The main problem I had was that the dress I loved (and ultimately wore) was sleeveless. I wasn't sure I'd be able to find a little coordinating cardigan to wear if necessary. The back-up dress came with a matching cardigan, so I bought it to cover my bases, but later found one to go with Dress #1. I kept the back-up, because:
1)it's cute
2)it fits nicely
3)it was on sale
4)and I like to buy stuff

I didn't even take the back-up with me, because I loved Dress #1 so much. I was working Dress #1 which looked even better without the cardigan. (Hooray beautiful weather!) Just before the ceremony, as my perfectly coordinated prep-a-licious family looked on...in walked a cute and very SKINNY, younger girl in....THE BACK-UP!!!!!! I looked at My Baby's Daddy who was cracking up. I know he was thinking, "OH, Thank. You. Jesus!!!!" Because, as I told him, we would have looked like a freaking Nutri-System ad....and I would be the BEFORE picture!!!!!! Not good.

We were both very thankful for Dress #1, the un-needed cardigan, and my cute accessories at that moment. It would've been a long ride home for My Baby's Daddy if I'd been wearing the same dress as Kate Moss over there.

In other news....Fat Baby has peed in the potty almost every time I've taken him since last week!!!! HOORAY!!!!! Even with traveling, he is the bomb! It's like a light switch flipped, and now he goes potty. Next week---underwear city, baby!

And one more thing...did Atlanta officially vote itself out of the South? My Baby's Daddy grew up there & even he was amazed at the plethora of bad manners, rudeness, and don't even get me started on the road rage!!!

Give me a break...really.

We're on Spring Break. Hooray! I do so enjoy a break...of course, if Christmas break is any indication it's not much of a break for me. I don't like to travel during Spring Break, because I don't want to waste a trip on iffy weather. I will however, plan non-stop days o' fun. Here's how our week is shaping up:

Friday a.m.: take everybody to school and frantically clean house and make sure all the linens are clean for sleepover guests (before I go to work)

2:40 p.m., Friday: Spring Break offically begins when school is out.

Around 3:45 p.m.: My mom, step-father, sister, nephew and niece arrive for a visit. Since I worked (outside the home!) on Friday, I opted for us to go out to dinner instead of cooking.

Saturday a.m.: make delicious and healthy fruit salad for breakfast, color 5 dozen hard-boiled eggs with kids for egg hunt later in the day, stuff plastic "prize eggs," organize treats and prizes

Noon-ish: prepare for a late lunch (hamburgers & hotdogs on the grill), hide and hunt eggs, and again...and again....lots of fun memories & photo ops, finally have lunch about 3:00

6:00 p.m.: family leaves...na na na na hey hey hey goodbye!

6:01 p.m. until bedtime: frantically try to restore some semblance of order to house

Monday: leave kids home (thanks, Pop!) so I can work a few hours. Pop gets combat pay for taking them to McD's on Spring Break.

This morning, 11:00 a.m.: leave the house for mandatory shopping, as we have Easter on Sunday and a wedding to attend Saturday...I put off the two hardest to fit (Fat Baby and moi) until the very. last. minute.

12:30 p.m.: My Baby's Daddy meets us for lunch, and takes a little extra time to entertain the troops while I try some things on.

1:45 p.m.: Time to say good-bye to daddy, and I've purchased an outfit & a back-up. Feeling pretty good.

About 2:15 p.m.: Cut the brothers some slack & take time-out for a carousel ride. (Thanks, Mommy!)

2:30 p.m.: Hit the children's section of my favorite department store for Fat Baby's spring wardrobe. Score some cute (on sale!) and fabulously preppy things that help me forget that I'm in mourning that The Era of The Jon-Jon is over. I loved the jon jon...dress it up, dress it down, wear it for play, for church, barefoot, with shoes, and with a monogram...forget it! It just doesn't get better than that! That boy could work a jon jon like nobody's business! Why don't they make jon jons in size 6 for a three-and-a-half year old?!?! Ummm, okay, never mind.

3:30 p.m.: Leaving the mall. Fat Baby's eyes are closed before we even leave the parking lot. Less than 5 minutes later, he begins to cry/moan with no tears and his eyes still closed. I thought he was uncomfortable & couldn't get to sleep.

3:40 p.m.: Fat Baby tosses his cookies. A lot.

3:42 p.m.: Pull into a Texaco station to attempt cleanup effort.

3:50 p.m.: Leave Texaco with pukey clothes tied up in shopping bag. Fat Baby asleep by 3:51.

6:00 p.m.: My family gets BLTs for dinner, with Oscar Meyer ready-to-cook bacon that I make My Baby's Daddy heat in the microwave. They better be glad they even got to eat.

Tomorrow's plan may include seeing the doctor, and definitely includes seeing a matinee of Horton Hears a Who! I'm not going to let a little throwing up stop me...oh, and three diarrhea diapers (about 5:15, 7:00, and 15 minutes ago).

Tomorrow night I plan to make Easter forgotten cookies. I'll post the recipe next time, because if you're even still reading this now you deserve a medal. Anyway, the cookies are cool and teach children the Easter story as they bake them.

Friday, we're taking a little side road trip to the Georgia Aquarium. Then a distant family wedding (also in GA) on Saturday. Come home late Saturday, Easter Bunny shows up, up Sunday for church...did I mention it's my week to teach Sunday school?!? and then Easter. Oh, and I guess we'll need a special family Easter lunch celebration...

When does school start back?

For the Love of Chocolate

Last night I was getting the boys ready for bath time, and it just so happened that Fat Baby's diaper was completely dry. And since my wish for him to just go ahead & potty train himself hasn't come true yet, I decided to take the opportunity for an easy shot....so to speak. I put him on the potty & poured a little warm bath water on the target shooter for some encouragement. And guess what? He DID it!!!! Woo hoo!

I wanted to make as big a deal as possible, and to do something quick to have him make the connection that: pee on potty = fun

I jumped up & down and clapped and cheered like crazy. Then I ran to the kitchen & grabbed a Dove milk chocolate heart. I gave it to him while he was still on there to reinforce the association. pee on potty = yummy chocolate

Around the corner I heard the sound of The President mumbling something. I asked what he said & I heard him coughing into his hand...."I need chocolate!"

"Why do you need chocolate? He got that chocolate for peeing on the potty...did you help him tinkle on the potty?"

"I was his agent."

He got the chocolate, of course.

What's New in the New Year?

My attitude, for one! 2007 was really difficult for me. A lot of stuff happened, and a lot more happened that I did not even begin to address on the blog. Maybe someday, but not now. Bottom line is, sometimes blessings don't come easy. I've been given a lot of responsibilities, and like most women, I completely neglected to take care of myself. I'm sure that it showed by the end of the year.

Knowing I had to do something, I've started the new year off making myself a priority. I started back to Weight Watchers (lost 4.5 pounds last week!), going to the gym at least three times a week, and taking a little time off every now and then. I've been able to ask for help (which is completely out of character) and accept help when it's been offered (even more out of character). If I'm falling apart, I'm no good to anyone else. When I get totally hawt, I'm sure I won't be able to resist posting a picture. I lost 60 pounds after Fat Baby was born on WW, so I'm pretty confident in my ability to follow the program.

The new year finds us on a pretty tight schedule. I don't mind too much, because I really function better with maximum structure. Fat Baby is in preschool three days a week (hooray for preschool!). The President is taking karate two nights a week, and I have Weight Watchers one of those nights. I am working in the grant office one day a week (and occasionally more as needed). My dad & I are going to the gym together a couple of times each week, as well. My Baby's Daddy has his regular, full-time sales job and a evening/ week-end real estate job that is his passion. And we all sit down to a healthy, homecooked meal together every night except Thursday. (I am totally not kidding about that--it is very important to me...and Pop helps with the cooking sometimes).

I'll leave you (breaking my last-year rule of no kid pictures) with this image of our last day of Christmas vacation. It goes without saying that Fat Baby was ready for some structure, too!

A little bit nice and a lot of naughty

First of all, if anybody is still checking in on this blog....Bless your heart! I have no excuse for not posting, except that the datebook is full right now (fa la la la la....) and since I neither gave birth to nor get paid for the blog, it's on the "we'll catch up in the New Year" list. Along with my laundry. And my husband's semi-annual conjugal visit.

That being said, I couldn't resist sharing some great holiday moments of the Southern Fried House of Fun, 2007 edition.

The first one is not funny, but was a very moving experience for me this year. Our group of friends has a casual holiday gathering every year. We usually feast on Christmas goodies, have a few cocktails, and do a "dirty Santa" gift exchange. A fun, low-key, kid-free evening. Well, this year, the hostess & I happened to attend an event at our church and were looking over the "angel tree" where needy families' information was posted. We were surprised and sad to see a family we knew, and the mom had been in a Preschool Mom's group with us a couple of years ago. The list simply said, "We can't afford to buy Christmas for our children this year." We just looked at each other, and back at the list...Then, we took it down & quickly went home to e-mail everyone with the change of plans. Instead of dirty Santa gifts no one needs, we would take the money to bring gifts for the family. We filled a dining room table, and wrapped all the gifts beautifully. It was fantastic, and will be our new tradition. Things like that put me in the spirit of Christmas more than anything else.

The President is looking forward to the holiday, and as you might imagine, has a very specific list for The Man in Red. He's very easy to buy for, and has not faltered from his original gift requests. As I've said before, he's very observant. I downloaded the song "Santa Baby" as my ringtone for my cellphone. As I was packing his lunch the other day, I was singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Well, he put 2 + 2 together, and said, "Ohhhhhh, so that's what the song Santa Baby is all about!" It's sex ed, the holiday edition! And he's only seven. Yippee.

We had a chance to meet Santa on a field trip the other day. Each of the children was given an opportunity to climb up and present their list of demands. My son (he's not called The President for nothing!) leads off with, "First, I've got two questions:

#1) Am I on the nice list?
He was.

#2) Do you have a budget?
Yes. He really asked Santa Claus that...and St. Nick said, "This kid's gonna be a politician!" Everybody cracked up.

And, not to be left out of the festivities, Pop has been teaching Fat Baby to spread the holiday cheer. Ask my three year old, "What does Santa say?"

"HO HO HO....bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"

Happy Thanksgiving, Fat Baby Style

Went to the pre-school Thanksgiving lunch and program on Monday. The kids looked completely adorable in their fabulous and precious turkey costumes. Mine especially. I mean, he is just freaking cute as pumpkin pie. That being said....

I have some great pictures of Fat Baby's class singing their little hearts out in their turkey costumes. And I have some pictures of Fat Baby lying on the floor of the fellowship hall flat on his back while they are doing so. He did. not. participate. That was expected--it's just who he is. I know that some day I'll be able to laugh about it (maybe when he has a kid just like him)--that's why I made myself take the pictures. Because I surely wasn't feeling it right then. I really wasn't feeling any of it by the time the lunch was over. I'll spare you the gory details...suffice it to say I went straight to Books-a-Million and bought "Your Strong Willed Child," and had read more than half of it before bedtime.

A bright spot to the whole day of fiasco was that the children's own turkey recipes (as told to their teacher) were posted on the bulletin board. You simply must try this one at your own Thanksgiving feast:

MY TURKEY RECIPE
by: Fat Baby

Ingredients:
*Mommy's Angry
*Fat Baby and President
*a bananas
*a red apple
*a rocket toy

Directions:
Cook in it's room, a mess, mix in the food, mix in a toy, a rock, Mommy, Dad, Pop lock the door.

Oven Temperature:
very hot

Oh, Boys!

Overheard yesterday afternoon while cooking dinner:

The President (in a voice just above a stage whisper): "Fat Baby, say Oh, CRAP!"

Fat Baby: "Oh, CRAP!"

Pres: "Say, CRAP!"

Fat Baby: "CRAP!"

President (slightly softer voice): "Fat Baby, say SHIT!"

Fat Baby: "SHIT!"

Pres: "Say, SHIT!"

Fat Baby: "SHIT!!!!"

It makes me so happy when they can entertain themselves.


And another peek into our Southern Fried World....

When I went to pick up Fat Baby at preschool this afternoon, the teacher told me that he didn't want to take a nap (& since he's so. freaking. loud)--she asked him if he would like to go play in another classroom while his classmates slept. When I picked him up she said, "Ms. Teacher-in-the-other-class says she wants to meet Fat Baby's mom!" Yep, that's me. I'm the girl who produced this loud, buck-wild, funny as hell, into-every-darn-thing, naughty-but-in-a-I'm-so-damn-cute-you-don't-want-to-hurt-me kind of way...Yes, I am responsible for that. Funny how he's the hit of the party everywhere we go, yet no one will take me up on my offers to let them have him for a day, week, or month at a time...hmmmm, what's up with that?

Keepin' It Real

I rushed out to a meeting last night. It was the end of a long, frazzled, blazing hot day. I don't think I even took the time to brush my teeth & reapply lipstick after dinner, because I was running late. After the meeting, I spoke to a very sweet (and cute, and skinny) acquaintance of mine who also serves on the board. She was dressed in her "grown-up" career clothes & I had on a casual but cute sleveless top & denim bermuda shorts. Okay, everyone does tell me that the particular blouse is the best color evah for me...but, still. Long, crazy, freakin' hawt day. Sweet friend looks adorable & fresh as a daisy (as usual). After the meeting, she rushes up to me and says, "Oh, my GOSH...you look fabulous!!! I need to be doing whatever you've been doing! You look great!"

The only difference I can see is a few extra pounds, a leftover tan, and the flat-ironed hair. I tell you, I'm on to something with this straight hair thing. Oh yeah, and the stress. This has been the most traumatic, difficult, stressful, and life-changing year I've ever faced. I can literally feel myself aging.

But, this really cute and perky girl is standing here telling me how great I look. And you know what? I started to feel great. My long-ish, straight-ish hair felt all bouncy. I remembered I was in my A-game shirt. Yeah, I do look kind of great....I couldn't wait to get home & stand in front of the mirror to examine myself for signs of cuteness.

Of course, I was greeted with bath time on a School Night. Cute Girl suddenly turns back into Sweaty, Wilting Cess Pool of Motherhood. Oh yeah, and Fat Baby crapped in the tub. After I clean it out, get him back in and bathed, he begins to poke around my arm flab. He investivates the fat-dimples and asks, "Boo-boos?"

Thanks for bringing things back into perspective, Fat Baby.

By any other name...

We returned home tonight from a fabulous dinner out. I was totally stuffed, and my new bra (which made the girls oh-so-perky) was cutting me in half. I started shedding clothes on my way to my room to remove the offending garment, and snuggle into my cozy pjs. Let me remind you that:

#1) we have a very liberal nudity policy around the House of Southern Fried Fun
#2) being genteel Southerners and all, we are big fans of the euphemism...(body parts, bodily functions, sex and sex-related acts, diseases, scandal and scandalous behavior, and the like)

The boys refer to their package as their "goober." The accompaniments are known by various names, including nuts, the boys, balls, etc.

Since there is only one non-boy in the house, my stuff is known as "not a goober" and "boobies."

I will (and have) teach them age-appropriate, accurate information as the situation dictates. The President knows that his goober's "real name" is a penis. He seems to prefer goober & I'm fine with that. The President remembers me breastfeeding, and is aware that my boobies have a purpose & his don't. He will tell you that boys' boobies are just for decoration. He sometimes calls his tiny little nippley-area, "my decorations."

But it was his little brother who followed me into the bedroom. When I took off my bra, Fat Baby smiled & said, "A Goober!"

I said, "No, those are Mommy's boobies."

Staring in fascination, he said again, "Goober!"

"No, those are my boobies." (I'm wondering how on earth this kid has made the connection that all things private are grouped together in a set...)

Finally, he said, "And a Goober!" I looked down, and realized...the ceiling fan was on, air conditioner full-force, and my boobie had sprouted a goober, indeed.

An open letter...

To the guy at Arby's looking at me like I'm something on the bottom of your shoe,





First of all, I don't know what crawled up your ass...but I would really appreciate if when you see me & my adorable and fabulous children ordering up some lunch, you would follow the lead of 98% of the free world and smile. I mean, seriously...how could you help it? A loving, energetic, and fun mom out to lunch with her two handsome boys. It's the stuff songs are written about.





....Ohhhhhh, then was it this?





Yeah, so, I've got my kid on a harness. I can't believe it, either. See, the President was your textbook first-born, compliant, good-natured, well-behaved, over-achiever. All the positive, hyphenated words totally apply to him.



Fat Baby is the one who inspires t-shirt slogans like, "If I'd have had the second one first, he'd be an only child!" He is 110% boy. He is loud, and rough, and stubborn. He's afraid of nothing. He can be on top of the refrigerator in 8 seconds flat. Like Houdini, he can disappear in a flash. He is also gorgeous, charming, sweet, funny, snuggly, and smart. Everything comes easily to him. He is a mama's boy. I love every part of him with my whole being.



But, yeah, he's on the harness. Thank the Good Lord Up Above for the harness. I love love love the harness. It's cute. It doubles as a back-pack. He digs it. It gives him the freedom he longs for, and gives me peace of mind, knowing that we are connected and I can't lose him. Hopefully, it'll help keep him from breaking stuff and getting hurt, too.



But you know what, Mr. Have-Some-Lunch-and-Head Back-to-My-8-Hour-a-day-Job? If you were with my kids 24/7 with no lunch break, no sick days, and couldn't remember the last time you even went to the bathroom alone--you might just look for something to help make your job a little easier, too. And, I'm sure you would feel like a damn genius for thinking of it. How dare you look at my babies and me with that condescending scowl. I am raising the future leader of our country, and trying to keep his little brother from a life of crime that would cut short his political aspirations. When Fat Baby is playing for the NFL, we might just hunt you down and kick your ass. So, cut a sister some slack, would'ya?

Makin' Mama Proud

This week was Vacation Bible School. I don't know if the tradition is the same everywhere, but here in the South VBS is a big deal. And it has come a long way since I was growing up. Gone are the days of dixie cups of kool-aid and cookies with your bible stories...These days VBS is interactive, and the kids travel to different stations to fully experience the lesson through crafts, drama, music, games, and snacks. Since I had my hands full helping Pop with some necessary medical & paperwork details, a good friend helped a sister out & took my boys to church each night. They both really loved it. I loved the three-plus hours they were out of the house each evening. This is the first year since I've had kids that I haven't been actively involved and volunteering with VBS, but I feel that being there with my dad is a blessing and a calling that I can't afford to miss. So, I sent my little chickens out to get them some religion every night. On Sunday, our entire church service consisted of the kids performing the songs & recapping the bible points learned each night. The music that goes with the curriculum we use for VBS each year is always outstanding. The kids learn simple gestures and dance steps that go along with the lesson each day. We are blessed to have a great, energetic and enthusiastic worship-leader for the music. (She also happens to be a kindergarten teacher & is wonderful with the kids).

Now, a little background....the President is not all about performing. That's just not his thing. He loves to have his picture in the newspaper, or wouldn't even mind being on tv--just not dancing around & singing. In fact, he told me before church that he didn't believe he would participate, thankyouverymuch. To which I pleaded, "C'mon...just let me get a few pictures." After several minutes of debate, I told him I would give him a dollar to sing (and act like a normal six year old for once, for the love of God!) He is such a little capitalist, I know how to motivate him. He said, "Make it two & you've got a deal!" And he's been this way his whole life.

So imagine my utter delight when Fat Baby (not even three years old) is up there on stage, doing the motions & DROPPING IT LIKE IT'S HOT!!!! That kid was breaking it down! It was fantastic! He was center stage & totally stole the show! After a few songs, he started to climb down off the stage & I brought him to sit with me. You could just see the old ladies all over the congregation smiling at his irresistible cuteness. I was beaming as I snuggled him on my lap. Then, in that quiet moment just before the prayer...he looked into my eyes and smiled so sweetly, and pulled open my blouse and squealed, "BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So it's come to this....

Not only did I send My Baby's Daddy a text message (while he was in a meeting out of state), to document this monumental occasion...I am so darn excited that I felt compelled to share Fat Baby's latest accomplishment with the whole internet!

Only a mother could take pictures of POOP and keep an honest-to-God straight face...I was downright giddy! The proud pooper was given Yogos and put a sticker on the calendar to celebrate being a big boy.

You're so vain...

In my quest for pre-summer cuteness, and with lots of fun in the sun coming soon...I took a bold new step. After wearing glasses for 13 years, I got my first contacts today!!!! My motivation? Cute, inexpensive sunglasses. My first purchase--this blingy little number:

While I'm on the subject of recent acts of vanity.....here's a shot of The President's new 'do with highlights.

Not to be left out, Fat Baby has been working out....here's a nice profile shot.

Ma....MEATLOAF!!!!

So last night, we're enjoying a lovely family dinner. Nice conversation, great food, it's the week-end and living is easy. All of a sudden, Fat Baby decides that he is over it. Now picture a 42+ pound two year old...it would be ridiculous for him to have a squeaky little wussy voice, wouldn't it? But it still totally cracks me up to hear him bellow out. I am often greeted first thing in the morning with a big smile, and a deep "MAAAAAAAAA!!!!" As he was adamantly demanding his "CUUUUUUUP!!!!!" (think caveman caliber one-word sentences) I told My Baby's Daddy that he sounds just like Will Ferrell's character in Wedding Crashers. And believe me, that could so be him. He has that daredevil frat-boy personality to serve as the perfect foil to his brother, a straight-laced politician.

So we're all "ha ha....Ma--the MEATLOAF!!! ha ha...picked her up at a funeral!!!! " and My Baby's Daddy says how Vince Vaughn was awesome in that movie, too.

"I'd do him." I say, meaning every word.

"You'd do him just because he's funny?"

"Why do you think I do you?"