Sunday, February 18, 2007

Show me the money!

I've been back & forth to the hospital (a little over an hour away), checking on my Dad for the past three days. Yesterday and today, My Baby's Daddy had the boys at home. For future reference, I thought I should record a statement he made to me last night.

"You do not get paid enough!!!!"

Well, no shit...what do you think I've been telling you?!? Apparently "seeing is believing," especially when it comes to Fat Baby. Everything you've heard about two year olds...he's all that and more! While you're busy doing one thing, he's busy un-doing about three things you've already done. Today he discovered that he could grab a stool & pull it up to the counter in the kitchen, climb onto the counter, and reach the Valentine's candy stashed on top of the fridge. He's quite resourceful. And persistent.

And he's sweet. Today, he counted to five for the first time. He also climbed into my lap this morning, when I was having a meltdown, and patted away my tears with his chubby little hands.

Breaking news, as we speak: My Baby's Daddy just called me to come to the boys' bathroom. When The President got out of the bathtub, he left the water in. In less than 3 minutes, Fat Baby had climbed into the tub in his pajamas! Now we have to get him ready for bed all over again.

I know I should appreciate this crazy time in my life, because it will pass so quickly. I've read that these are the longest days, but the shortest years. It is hard to be a mom, to try to keep all the balls in the air, to do the right thing, to be able to laugh instead of crying, to be a nurse, teacher, chef, chauffeur, events coordinator, maid and personal assistant. I want my children to learn by my example (hopefully more good than bad). At the end of the day, I hope that they know that I did the very best I could, and that being their mom is the greatest blessing I've ever known. Blessings don't always come easy. Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever loved!

A little extra cash would be nice, too.

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Friday, February 16, 2007

Meaningless Chatter

***Disclaimer: If for some reason you haven't watched Grey's Anatomy yet, you might not want to read any further!***

As the title states, this will be a light-hearted post, full of nothing. I will not think about or discuss and major life events/ changes, any worries or stress, any causes of angst. It's fun-zone up in here, people! This ain't the voice of denial speaking, either. I just Freaking. Can't. Take. Any. More. Right. Now. Tomorrow is another day...

On with the show: First of all, I can't believe anybody could hold out on watching GA a full 24 hours! Even in the busiest, craziest, saddest, most stressful of times, I find comfort in knowing my escape awaits on the DVR every Thursday night when the kiddos are in bed.

Last night....WOW! The final scene totally blew me away. Gave me the chills when the adorable Denny showed up & said in his gravelly drawl, "Damn right you are!" Oooh, I'm getting the creeps just thinking about it. I thought the scene was extremely well done.

That being said, I don't want Meredith to die for good. Furthermore, I don't think she will. Who is the title character, again? Ummmhmmm. Anyway, I am looking even more forward to next Thursday than usual.

I can't believe that Izzy (in her unsolicited rant) just told George that she thinks he made a big mistake by marrying Callie. (I so love to say Callie O'Malley!) I love Callie. Straight girl to straight girl, she is H O T as fire. And I love that they have a sexy big girl on the show. Maybe Izzy had a point, but I think she should (as The President likes to say) "zip it and woose (lose)the key!" Go bake some muffins, honey, but keep your opinion to yourself.

Yes, I know these people aren't real, but I am completely emotionally invested. I've watched every single episode since the first one. Why do I relate?

Sexy big girl....parent with Alzheimer's...neurotic friends...snappy conversation...

Sound like anyone you know? Add two kids & a minivan and you've got my life!


Thursday, February 15, 2007


I am a day late with my Valentine's post. I would have preferred to just skip it altogether this year. It is not a good time. Things with my dad are still uncertain. I have neither the inclination nor the energy to go into details...but we still need many prayers. But that is not what this post is about.

This post is for my husband. He who got a bag of chocolates and an overwhelmed and distraught wife for Valentine's Day. He who took half the day off to just be close to me. He who knows when I need him to hold me close, and when to give me space.

I usually do something special for all my boys on holidays...I wasn't feeling it this year. You can fake it with the little guys most of the time. A box of candy makes them feel happy and loved.

My husband deserved so much more than chocolates, a special dinner, a really great gift, and/or sex. He didn't even get a card. I wish I had been able to sit down and express my love for him on paper. He deserves to know how I feel, but this year, the words wouldn't come.

First thing yesterday morning, he surprised me with an adorable gift set from Arbonne with a delicious bath and shower gel, lotion, and massage oil. And my favorite lipstick. There were also candy kisses and an over-sized button with a spinner that had different suggestions, i.e., hug, kiss for 30 seconds, sing a love song, nibble ear, etc. Too bad he didn't see any of that action.

He took care of the boys last night while I enjoyed a long, hot bath. Then, he tried to help me relax with a completely non-sexual massage.

That's what love is. Giving your whole self to the other person, expecting nothing in return. Knowing that whatever turn life takes, the two of you are committed to the vows you took. We have been married for 11 years. We dated for three before that. I love him more now that I did the day were were married. Our love has grown and changed, as have we. When I first knew I loved him, it was because he made me feel safe. I was so right about that. He protects me, and helps me keep my perspective. He makes me laugh. We communicate. We are best friends. I can tell him anything, and I tell him everything. I can tell him like it is, and he still loves me. Even if we disagree, we know that ours is a lasting love. I am thankful for him. I am glad that my sons are learning how to treat the women in their lives by his example. I don't say it or show it nearly enough, but he is my everything. He is what love means to me. I love you, MBD!

Monday, February 12, 2007

That's the Weigh It Goes...

I lost three more pounds this week! Hooray for me! I am trying to get my life back on track, and hope to be able to exercise more regularly. It will be skinny clothes season before we know it, girls!

I had a really nice & productive day today. I was able to enjoy a lesisurely lunch ALL BY MYSELF! I even read a little. Some quiet mama time is definitely in order in my world. I really do enjoy spending time alone sometimes. As I've mentioned before, I'd rather do my own thing than be at someone else's mercy most of the time. I am a really weird combination of hermit and outgoing social butterfly.

As usual, The President had me laughing today. As we were pulling out of our subdivision on the way to school, he announced that, "This seatbelt is not participating!" Later this evening, he was really not trying to be funny, but I was barely able to hold it together when he found an envelope with some old pictures.

"Mom, is this you & Daddy?"

I started making that nose-laugh sound when I saw a picture of me with some F I N E early 90s hair on the arm of my old boyfriend. ""

"Is it Dad's brother then?"

"No, it's my old boyfriend before I knew Daddy."

"Oh, back in the the 70s or something?"

"Yeah, something like that."

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You don't really appreciate freedom until you don't have it. My dad found that to be true, as he spent 13 days in a locked Alzheimer's facility. He is not determined to take full advantage of the freedom he has. Of course, the disease has robbed us as a family of much freedom. If my dad has complete freedom, do we? We are at the mercy of Alzheimer's at all times. It sucks. He is now home with my step-mother, and I'm sure neither of them feel completely free. She is worried about him, and he is suspicious of her trying to "control" him. You can't completely trust with this disease.

He was fine while staying with me for the past 5 days, but he was determined to reclaim his freedom. Made me a nervous wreck. There are so many variables, there is nothing to do except have faith.

Today, however, I feel free. The President is at school, and Fat Baby at Mom's Day Out. I've already gotten some "grown up" grant work done this morning. The only freedom I don't have at this moment is the ability to leave my home, as I am at the mercy of the Lowe's delivery guy who is bringing my new washing machine. Oh, yes, I forgot to write that little morsel. The night before Pop was to join us at home, my washing machine bit the dust. Today is the earliest time they could get the new one in. Laundry was backed up before, so you can imagine that I will be slave to the mountain of dirty clothes all day tomorrow. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped a sister out with a few loads at her house.

At this moment I have a choice. Right now I am responsible for no one but me. Yea! I can read a book, take a nap, watch tv, or talk on the phone. I don't have to be polite or courteous or patient. I can be happy or sad. Or just be. I can turn up the music or enjoy the silence. But now...the sound of music to my ears--the delivery truck is here! FREE AT LAST!!!!!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Life as I know it...

I have spent the last three days with a two year old and an Alzheimer's patient...and how was your day?

Pop is home from the hospital after nearly two weeks. And by home, I home. He needs a place to transition with family who has the time to spend. My step-mother is on overload, and I am a stay-home mom who has been given the blessing of some fragile and precious time with my dad. He is improving each day. The medication changes have made a world of difference. Step-mom & I have a close relationship and are cooperating to make everyone's life as peaceful and productive as possible.

Thanks for your good wishes and prayers. Please continue to remember my family, and to pray for peace and healing. God is good!

I can't tell you how tired I's just hard to let your guard down and relax when going through a trying time, even if it is improving. It's a delicate balance, and I'm just doing the best I can....the good news is, I should weigh about 98 pounds after chasing the aforementioned two year old, and running my butt off all day. It seem there has been little time to break for food. Here's what I ate today: one & a half granola bars, a handful of wheat thins, a shared bag of popcorn & chocolate covered peanuts at the movies with My Baby's Daddy & half a chocolate chip waffle at Waffle House after the show. Yeah, totally unhealthy (this has been the first day of junk food in a loooooong time) but I'm just running on fumes all the way around.

I am falling asleep at the keyboard...more updates & happy news to come!

Monday, February 05, 2007

Weighing in

I haven't forgotten about the whole Future MILF thing. In fact, when I do eat it is usually quite healthy. For obvious reasons, I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I had a weigh-in today with the statewide program I'm participating in. I lost 2 pounds this week, and 3 last week! Yahoo! Call the papers, I've just discovered the Alzheimer's Diet!!!!

And speaking of....things are still quite shaky with my dad. He is extremely fearful of being robbed of control over his own life...although he did remind me once that God is the only one who has any control over anything. He is sometimes frantic with worry that he will end up in an institution for the rest of his life. We are all still running the gamut of emotions. He is alternately paranoid, frantic, irrational, unreasonable, and irritable, and it's pretty much all rooted in fear and uncertainty. And the emotions are contagious. I find myself on edge most of the time, and hate it when this m-f-ing disease makes me yell at my sweet kids whom I haven't seen all day. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

*Update: I am keeping a private Alzheimer's journal now, as well. I feel I need to record specific conversations, events, and details so that I have a record of things that are happening so fast and so furiously. There are some things that I just don't feel are appropriate to record publicly. This is such an ugly, horrible disease.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Updates and a little humor....finally

I spent six hours yesterday with my dad. He is still in the hospital, and probably will be until mid-week at the earliest. They are changing his medication, and watching him very closely. We had a very good visit, and he is improving each day. Yesterday seems to have been his best day so far. He is keeping a journal, and we are working together to preserve a legacy of his experiences before and during Alzheimer's. It was a blessing to have him all to myself for several hours, even under these unfortunate and stressful circumstances. I think the visit was good for both of us. My sister and aunts (my dad's two younger sisters) came later & brought him dinner from Outback Steakhouse, which was just what he wanted. Please continue to remember us in your is a long, scary journey with the opportunity for tremendous blessings along the way.

Many of you may have already read that Janet and I finally "met" over the phone. She took the first trusting step by giving me her number when I was not feeling like talking at all. I promised her that I would call when I was ready to giggle...and we did. We didn't even need a translator--amazing! She is a fabulous, caring, funny, cool-as-hell, smart friend who totally "gets" me. Had it not been for this little blogging adventure, I would never have had her and so many others cross my path. I would love to meet her in person some day. If she came South, I would feed her fried green tomatoes & teach her that she could say anything about anybody if she just followed up with, "Bless Their Heart." We have a lot to teach each other.

My mom & step-dad live next door to my sister, who (as I mentioned in previous posts) is going through a divorce. Grammie & Papa help out with her two children quite a bit, since my sister is balancing single-motherhood with full-time nursing school. Somehow as I was talking to my mom last night, the topic of Spongebob Squarepants came up. Both the children love the show, and have watched every episode more than once at Grammie's house. The difference between parents and grandparents is that the grandparents actually sit down and watch television with the kids, and parents use the opportunity to park the kids in front of the television so that they can meet daily household obligations. So, my mom says, "Something's just not right about some of those Spongebob characters....I mean, Squidward looks like two balls and a dick." Okay, I am dying now, because #1 my mom is so conservative, I have never heard her come out with something like that. (But she's heard me....) She goes on to say, "...and there's one of them who looks like a condom being rolled onto a penis when he rolls his eyes." Without missing a beat, in the background, I hear my 68 year old step-father say, "That's Mr. Krabs!" I almost peed my pants!

And a little something from the homefront, because it's been a while: My Baby's Daddy and I were working on a "nooner." We turned on the Disney Channel & told the President that we needed to have a grown-up conversation with no kids, and disappeared into the bedroom. Door locked, we weren't wasting any time...sure enough, in no time flat we hear a knock.

"What do you need, buddy?"

"I just need to put something under Harry!" ("Me too," thought My Baby's Daddy!) The President had left his favorite teddy bear in our room, and wanted to bring in a hand-held tape recorder onto which he had recorded fart sounds. The idea was that we would think Harry was passing gas. I'm just relieved he didn't leave the recorder in before & end up with a little audio porn featuring his parents.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

One Day at a Time

I had no idea when I started this blog that it would become such a source of support. Thank you all so much for your concern, kind words, thoughts and prayers. It is a great comfort to me to know that I have this network of caring people in my life. It's nice to have a place to come where I'm just venting or expressing myself for one else close to the situation is here. It is for me alone. I really need that right now. Here's the update. Dad is still hospitalized, and it's a very bumpy road. Monday was one of the single hardest days of my life. There are not words to express the emotions that come along with a situation like this. Frustration, anger, grief, despair, distrust, hope, love...the feelings changing in a flash, running concurrently. For now, we are just waiting, as we wean him from one medication and add another. I can see how this disease (or any long-term illness) could tear a family apart in a minute. Thank God, we are still united.

I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible around here. My oldest child is so in-tune and perceptive...he is listening when you think he's not, and it's not just the words you say that he hears. My Baby's Daddy has been absolutely wonderful. I am very sure that I married the partner that God intended me to have. That doesn't mean that next week I won't be writing a post about him driving me freaking crazy...He does make me crazy (isn't that part of the job description of husband?), but he also makes me feel safe. He holds me when I cry. He is awesome with the kids when I need a break. He helps around the house. He cares. He listens. He makes me see the other side.

I am tired of being sad and stressed. I want to write about something fun. I will continue to try to keep a positive attitude. I am praying for peace for my dad...none of us will have any peace until he does, I can promise you that.

To my friends, old and new: I just can't tell you how thankful I am that you're here. I'm sending love and hugs to all of you. Stay tuned, because you know I'm going to want to have some fun really soon!