Breaking News from Potty-Gate

Due to various insanity and over-scheduling, I was unable to do my grocery shopping on Saturday as I have been. Therefore, when my children asked for scrambled eggs Monday morning, there were no eggs. Cereal? No milk. Pop-tarts? Uh-uh. So....I was forced to forage for food with my two "assistants." We had several errands to run, went to lunch, and hit Wal-Mart and the grocery store. Since I'm neither an idiot nor a glutton for punishment, I made the Executive Decision to put Fat Baby in a pull-up (actually a Good Nights, because he out-weighs the pull-ups now!) Anyway...as soon as we got home, I took him to the potty and resumed his underwear wardrobe. Which was fine for the rest of the afternoon.

UNTIL...I was in the middle of cooking dinner. As my menu plan post states, I was planning to fry okra for my sweet daddy. (He doesn't ask for much). So, I have roast in the oven, potatoes boiling to be mashed, peas cooking, and my electric skillet (a kitchen essential) filled with hot oil awaiting the lightly breaded fresh okra.

At that moment... (Pop had helped me around the house all day & had just settled in for his retirement-earned daily nap)At that exact moment, when My Baby's Daddy was probably 45 minutes from arriving home...when I was the only available adult...Fat Baby rounded the corner with his underwear inside-out in his hand. FULL. OF. POOP!!!! Poop was spread all over his arms & legs from the process of his removing the offensive underwear. And where was he when he decided to remove his poopy pants? The TOP BUNK!

I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. But, as Moms (who have no choice) do, I cleaned the mess, scrubbed myself as if I were going to perform surgery, and resumed cooking dinner.

Yesterday, he went to preschool (in underwear---how else is he going to learn?) and he stayed clean ALL DAY LONG! Hooray! Even with going out for The President's baseball team party, he was dry until bedtime. We might have turned a corner...but seriously, I deserved it.

Thoughts Before Naptime

I am only half-functional today, so read at your own risk. The boys & I spent the day at an amusement/ water park yesterday. It was so much fun, but I am exhausted beyond belief. Here are some random thoughts for your entertainment:

1. Should I become independently wealthy, one of the first things I am going to do is to hire a full-time nanny/personal assistant. I took our regular babysitter with us to "funland" yesterday & got a taste of how the other half lives. How much more could I enjoy my kids with some full-time help? And, it wasn't just having someone around to do the grunt work, it's little things like passing out snacks (that I usually do while I drive) that made life so much easier. I could easily see the job transitioning into someone to be my helper when the kids no longer needed hands-on care. (I'm talking about this like it's actually going to happen...)

2. If you saw me at the Wal-Marts a while ago, let me apologize if I frightened you. I know I look rough today, but it's Wal-Mart, okay?

3. While we were out, we needed to grab some lunch. The President wanted to have Chinese. When he has eaten Chinese, it has almost always been a buffet where he could try little bits & pieces of different things. I didn't know what he might order from the nearby menu-order only place, so I was describing things he might like. I said, "You would probably like sweet & sour chicken. It's fried chicken that you dip into a red sauce, kind of like chicken nuggets." He said, "Mom, I can't order American at a Chinese place...that would be disrespecting their flag." Well, duh, why didn't I think of that? We went to McDonald's because a) Fat Baby didn't want Chinese b)it's in the Wal-Mart, and c)I was ready to come home & be slovenly.

4. Potty-gate is still going strong. Fat Baby is very soon going to be four. years. old. He's not so much into the big boys go potty thing. At all. I am now potty trained--I go every 30 minutes and force him to tinkle. (Which he will do, but it has to be my idea). He has never(!) initiated a trip to the potty. Seriously. This is getting old. He is wearing underwear every day, and it is a constant battle to keep him dry. Lately, the pull-up he wears to sleep has been leaking. Big time. Not fun when said 4-year-old happens to be in your bed at the time. It was just what his diapers would do each time I had to move up to the next size. Luckily, there are Good Nights that go up to 65 pounds, because that's what he's going to be wearing tonight. And during the day, I'll just wash underpants until the cows come home and until he figures out how this all works. (Disclaimer: I did have a child who was completely potty trained with no accidents two weeks after his 3rd birthday, so this is not all my fault!) Fun times!

What Not To Wear

The Big Week Of Fun is over. Spring Break festivities came to a screeching halt as both boys returned to school today. Woohoo. Too bad I spent the whole everloving day in a doctor's office with Pop. Seriously. The appointment should have taken an hour, hour and a half tops---FOUR AND A FREAKING HALF HOURS! I dropped Fat Baby at school, went straight there and returned home to drop off Pop twenty minutes before I was due back at the preschool. It's going to be all about me on Friday.

The wedding we attended was lovely. It was an outdoor event (very bold move this time of year, especially seeing how tornadoes ripped through the ATL just one week prior) and the weather was perfect. I was totally comfortable in a sleeveless dress with no hose. (I've been tanning for a month and a half).

I did mention that I found the perfect Southern Fried Family outfits for the day. What I don't remember telling you is that I purchased a "back-up" outfit, so I would have two to choose from. The main problem I had was that the dress I loved (and ultimately wore) was sleeveless. I wasn't sure I'd be able to find a little coordinating cardigan to wear if necessary. The back-up dress came with a matching cardigan, so I bought it to cover my bases, but later found one to go with Dress #1. I kept the back-up, because:
1)it's cute
2)it fits nicely
3)it was on sale
4)and I like to buy stuff

I didn't even take the back-up with me, because I loved Dress #1 so much. I was working Dress #1 which looked even better without the cardigan. (Hooray beautiful weather!) Just before the ceremony, as my perfectly coordinated prep-a-licious family looked on...in walked a cute and very SKINNY, younger girl in....THE BACK-UP!!!!!! I looked at My Baby's Daddy who was cracking up. I know he was thinking, "OH, Thank. You. Jesus!!!!" Because, as I told him, we would have looked like a freaking Nutri-System ad....and I would be the BEFORE picture!!!!!! Not good.

We were both very thankful for Dress #1, the un-needed cardigan, and my cute accessories at that moment. It would've been a long ride home for My Baby's Daddy if I'd been wearing the same dress as Kate Moss over there.

In other news....Fat Baby has peed in the potty almost every time I've taken him since last week!!!! HOORAY!!!!! Even with traveling, he is the bomb! It's like a light switch flipped, and now he goes potty. Next week---underwear city, baby!

And one more thing...did Atlanta officially vote itself out of the South? My Baby's Daddy grew up there & even he was amazed at the plethora of bad manners, rudeness, and don't even get me started on the road rage!!!

For the Love of Chocolate

Last night I was getting the boys ready for bath time, and it just so happened that Fat Baby's diaper was completely dry. And since my wish for him to just go ahead & potty train himself hasn't come true yet, I decided to take the opportunity for an easy shot....so to speak. I put him on the potty & poured a little warm bath water on the target shooter for some encouragement. And guess what? He DID it!!!! Woo hoo!

I wanted to make as big a deal as possible, and to do something quick to have him make the connection that: pee on potty = fun

I jumped up & down and clapped and cheered like crazy. Then I ran to the kitchen & grabbed a Dove milk chocolate heart. I gave it to him while he was still on there to reinforce the association. pee on potty = yummy chocolate

Around the corner I heard the sound of The President mumbling something. I asked what he said & I heard him coughing into his hand...."I need chocolate!"

"Why do you need chocolate? He got that chocolate for peeing on the potty...did you help him tinkle on the potty?"

"I was his agent."

He got the chocolate, of course.

Shameless Plug, Potty Training Woes, and Google

In keeping with the theme of Extreme Home Makeover, Southern Fried Family edition, I have decided that I need to re-decorate my existing home, and plan the decorating of my upcoming new home. Because I basically want 90% of the stuff in the catalog, I decided to do this. I became a consultant to re-coup the money I spent on the starter kit, and to earn some more fabulous stuff for my own home. If you want to have a virtual home show...let me know! I'll be more than happy to get you the info.
You, too can become an honorary Southerner--the merchandise can be shipped anywhere, so even my Yankee friends can participate! Check it out, and place an order! Seriously. You know it's calling you.

Secondly, this so-called potty training business...I shamelessly admit that The President was trained by the daycare & I backed it up at home. Easy-peasy. He was also the over-acheiving, compliant first born. So, here I am with #2 (who is my "challenging" child) sitting day in & day out in the bathroom every time he says, "I'm pooping!" (This means any number of things: "Hey, I pooped--now clean it up!" or "I need to poop, and have a skid mark, but when you sit me on the throne, I'll squeeze my cheeks back together and force it back up" or maybe, "I'm about to mess with your head, mom! You are my puppet!") He seems to have no concept of tee-tee. He doesn't tell you he's done it (even when he's half naked & does it on the floor in the kitchen; in fact, I don't think know he does it. I have spent more time camping out in the potty than I ever did with the Pres & he still doesn't seem to know or care what it's all about. Whatever. I never met a grown-up who wasn't potty trained.

I've been meaning to post some of the "interesting" Google searches that led people to this blog:

tonsil cheese pictures--ewwwwwwww! That's just dis-gust-ing! Yuck.

get my swell on at the gym--and you ended up here?!?!

Hannah Montana boobies--shout out to my 11 year old readers!

naked Southern moms--uh, yeah....hate to disappoint you. Just for fun, I'd almost do it. I guarantee the perv would be careful what wished for next time!

Words of Wisdom from my boys

Life around the Southern Fried House of Fun has been a never-ending roller coaster ride of chaos. School started on August 9th. That Saturday, we celebrated Fat Baby's third birthday (which was actually the 12th) with a pool party. On the 13th, I turned 36. Yeah, I'm on the dark side of my thirties. Yippee. And, oh yeah, we're potty training. It sucks. I'll tell you straight up, the 5-day-a-week-daycare trained the President, and I just reinforced it at home. And so I am spending a L O T of time in the toilet begging, pleading, cajoling, bribing, threatening, and getting nowhere fast. I'm not too worried about it, honestly. It will happen before he goes to college, but for the sake of the preschool staff, I'm making an effort.

In traditional, grown-man-in-a-7-year-old-body-fashion, the President has been throwing me some zingers this morning. For example:

He was talking about some of the 'tween shows on Disney Channel with his dad & he said that if Hannah Montana's bodyguard (female) became the manager of the Naked Brothers Band, then she would be the "womanager."

He was getting dressed this morning to go to the store with my husband & came out with socks & tennis shoes. To save time I suggested that he just put on Crocs or flip-flops. I was told, "Mom. Crocks and flip-flops are 'so last year!' "

Finally, as we were all gathered in the bathroom, waiting for Fat Baby to produce a little squirt, The Pres tells his little brother, "It's all about transportation. When you've gotta go, just take yourself to the bathroom & put your stuff in the toilet."

And not to leave out the budding philosopher known as Fat Baby. The other day, I was pulling out all the potty training tricks I could think of. So I put a few Froot Loops in the bowl for him to shoot. I forgot that he had eaten that kind of cereal for breakfast until he said in his booming baby voice, "I EAT THAT!" Bad idea, Mom.

So it's come to this....

Not only did I send My Baby's Daddy a text message (while he was in a meeting out of state), to document this monumental occasion...I am so darn excited that I felt compelled to share Fat Baby's latest accomplishment with the whole internet!

Only a mother could take pictures of POOP and keep an honest-to-God straight face...I was downright giddy! The proud pooper was given Yogos and put a sticker on the calendar to celebrate being a big boy.