Monday, July 02, 2007

An open letter...

To the guy at Arby's looking at me like I'm something on the bottom of your shoe,





First of all, I don't know what crawled up your ass...but I would really appreciate if when you see me & my adorable and fabulous children ordering up some lunch, you would follow the lead of 98% of the free world and smile. I mean, seriously...how could you help it? A loving, energetic, and fun mom out to lunch with her two handsome boys. It's the stuff songs are written about.





....Ohhhhhh, then was it this?





Yeah, so, I've got my kid on a harness. I can't believe it, either. See, the President was your textbook first-born, compliant, good-natured, well-behaved, over-achiever. All the positive, hyphenated words totally apply to him.



Fat Baby is the one who inspires t-shirt slogans like, "If I'd have had the second one first, he'd be an only child!" He is 110% boy. He is loud, and rough, and stubborn. He's afraid of nothing. He can be on top of the refrigerator in 8 seconds flat. Like Houdini, he can disappear in a flash. He is also gorgeous, charming, sweet, funny, snuggly, and smart. Everything comes easily to him. He is a mama's boy. I love every part of him with my whole being.



But, yeah, he's on the harness. Thank the Good Lord Up Above for the harness. I love love love the harness. It's cute. It doubles as a back-pack. He digs it. It gives him the freedom he longs for, and gives me peace of mind, knowing that we are connected and I can't lose him. Hopefully, it'll help keep him from breaking stuff and getting hurt, too.



But you know what, Mr. Have-Some-Lunch-and-Head Back-to-My-8-Hour-a-day-Job? If you were with my kids 24/7 with no lunch break, no sick days, and couldn't remember the last time you even went to the bathroom alone--you might just look for something to help make your job a little easier, too. And, I'm sure you would feel like a damn genius for thinking of it. How dare you look at my babies and me with that condescending scowl. I am raising the future leader of our country, and trying to keep his little brother from a life of crime that would cut short his political aspirations. When Fat Baby is playing for the NFL, we might just hunt you down and kick your ass. So, cut a sister some slack, would'ya?

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9 Comments:

At 3:27 PM, Blogger Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Giggle, giggle...snort.

I'd totally use the harness...

Debates be damned...I'd rather have her safe with me, then dead in a ditch is what I tell strangers all the time...

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger Da' Diva said...

So funny. Thanx for the laugh. I'm sure he'd never seen one of the many oprah episodes of toddlers getting snatched either.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Blue Momma said...

We have the same harness! Most people see the monkey and think it is cute, but what can you do about the assholes in the world?

Great blog!

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger Danielle said...

Amen to that.

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger QueenMother said...

I was all over the harness. Yeah-that guy needs a big milkshake of STFU. I think Arby's probably serves them. QM

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Queen of the Mayhem said...

Maybe the harness will keep Junior Mayhem from that orange jumpsuit I fear he will be wearing in the future!

OFF to order kiddie leash! (hee-hee)

PS: It really is cute!

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Worker Mommy said...

I'm dyin here. Soo funny.

I used to be adamantly opposed (of course this was before I had kids) but now I need something to control the madness. :)

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Toni said...

I think we were separated at birth. For real...



Thanks for entering the contest! Good luck!

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger sarahmcsimmons said...

OMG! you are so funny. i've missed reading about you and the boys. reminds me of me and my sister. me = girl president. my sister = girl fat baby

 

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