Thursday, September 06, 2007

A glimmer of hope...

So, in spite of the insantiy that is my life, I find that I am able to sit here today feeling pretty darn good. You probably don't realize it, but this is HUGE! Just the other day, I was giving the boys a bath & we were laughing and splashing...when it hit me. I actually felt like my old self! I felt the way I did when I had it all together--before post-partum depression & anxiety, before my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, before the bottom fell out & my whole life as I knew it was turned upside down. I felt like the old, carefree, joyful me...not the impostor who's been living in my body & trying to hold it all together for the last 3 years. And I've been having more of those moments lately. I've realized that when Fat Baby is running around wreaking havoc, plundering through the pantry, tossing toys all around the house--he's looking for something to do. And if I just take the time to stop (like I would have with my firstborn)and color, read a story, or play with blocks--we will both enjoy it, and I can stand to be in the same house with him once more. I still have struggles...but I have hope.

Over the Labor Day holiday, we went to visit my BFF in another state. We've known each other since we were 13. It's so nice to spend time with someone who doesn't just know your family history--she's lived it with you. She's met your dumbass ex-brother-in-law, dated your psychotic cousin, and knows all about how your sister drives you insane. You don't have to provide the back-story, just jump right in where you left off. We probably talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week, and try to see each other once a year, at least. She has four cute and well-mannered kids, and even with six kids and four adults under one roof--it was fantastic! Very relaxing and fun times. Not once did I suffer that heart-pounding, jaw-clenched need for "down time."

Let's place bets on my next meltdown--how about a week from Thursday?



At 11:06 PM, Blogger Ann(ie) said...

Hooray for you is right. =) That is SUCH GREAT news!!! I had a tiny glimmer of that with a month or so of post pardum, it gave me such admiration for people that deal with it all of the time! xxoo.

At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you.

I miss feeling like my old self too..

I get a glimpse of it when my BFF and I hang out too..

Now, she's packing her things and moving to Texas.

I'm devastated.

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Worker Mommy said...


Don't you just love having a BFF that you can share all the craziness with, that's been there through it all.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am so happy for you! It is such a nice feeling to get back to being happy! I was getting there...and then let my neuroses set me back a little...but I am back on my way again! I hope it only continues to get better!

You deserve the friend!

At 1:00 PM, Blogger Super B's Mom said...

Good news! So glad you are feeling like yourself again.

I know what it feels like to lose your old self. Not fun.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Mamma said...

It's all so hard. I'm glad you're finding and seeing those moments. It's easy to miss them with all that is so hectic in life.

At 12:01 AM, Blogger Lotta said...

I've been feeling the same way. Isn't it nice. Glad your feeling great!


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