A glimmer of hope...
So, in spite of the insantiy that is my life, I find that I am able to sit here today feeling pretty darn good. You probably don't realize it, but this is HUGE! Just the other day, I was giving the boys a bath & we were laughing and splashing...when it hit me. I actually felt like my old self! I felt the way I did when I had it all together--before post-partum depression & anxiety, before my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, before the bottom fell out & my whole life as I knew it was turned upside down. I felt like the old, carefree, joyful me...not the impostor who's been living in my body & trying to hold it all together for the last 3 years. And I've been having more of those moments lately. I've realized that when Fat Baby is running around wreaking havoc, plundering through the pantry, tossing toys all around the house--he's looking for something to do. And if I just take the time to stop (like I would have with my firstborn)and color, read a story, or play with blocks--we will both enjoy it, and I can stand to be in the same house with him once more. I still have struggles...but I have hope.
Over the Labor Day holiday, we went to visit my BFF in another state. We've known each other since we were 13. It's so nice to spend time with someone who doesn't just know your family history--she's lived it with you. She's met your dumbass ex-brother-in-law, dated your psychotic cousin, and knows all about how your sister drives you insane. You don't have to provide the back-story, just jump right in where you left off. We probably talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week, and try to see each other once a year, at least. She has four cute and well-mannered kids, and even with six kids and four adults under one roof--it was fantastic! Very relaxing and fun times. Not once did I suffer that heart-pounding, jaw-clenched need for "down time."
Let's place bets on my next meltdown--how about a week from Thursday?
Labels: Hooray for Me